Productination

It was a Thursday night like any other. I was at my coworker’s apartment with a bunch of friends, and she was stripping me of my shirt, fitting her bra and tanktop on me, and doing my makeup.

“How’s it lookin’?” I asked. “Are you making me attractive or garish?” I said, grinning.

I sincerely wanted to know (the answer was the latter, of course).

My boss was there too, filming the entire thing on his phone.

My friends and I were all laughing it up, when she wanted me to take off my pants and put on one of her skirts.

“Whoa!” I said. “I’m not sure about all that!” I said with a huge smile on my face. She tried to convince me for a minute or two, then gave up and instead wrapped some cloth around my waist. Satisfied with her creation, she moved on to her next project, which was to drunkenly sing “Fergilicious” while dancing scandalously with my other coworker. Awesome.

record scratch

Wait, what? Keenahn was wearing a bra?! Rewind!

sound of tape rewinding, thoroughly mashing the (perhaps poorly thought out) tape/record metaphor

It was a Thursday night like any other.

I had just gotten off work and was headed to a bar in Santa Monica to celebrate my coworker’s birthday. As soon as I stepped in the door, my friend handed me a beer. Awesome! Alcohol is a great way to get out of touch with your body. I knew this going in, so I made sure to keep checking in with myself throughout the night.

After a few drinks, a lot of chatting, and some flirting, we all decided that a venue change was in order, and we relocated to my friend’s apartment. She ordered pizza, put on some music, cracked open a few more beer and wine bottles, and was generally being a good host.

That’s when she got the great idea to use me as her fashion doll. After all, she always wanted a little brother she could dress up.

I was pretty drunk by now, but I thought to myself, “Hey, this is going to be fun,” so I smiled and allowed her to continue. At every step of the way, I thought to myself, “I am choosing to do this,” and was totally fine with what was happening. I was definitely secure enough in my masculinity that I was comfortable wearing makeup and taking off my shirt (it wouldn’t be the first time…).

When she wanted me to take off my pants, though, I drew the line and refused. After it stopped being fun for me and the group, I put my own clothes back on and washed myself of the makeup, and we went on with the rest of the festivities.

Despite the ridiculousness of the situation, never at any point in the night did I feel like I made a bad decision because I was drunk. I never let the alcohol cloud my judgment and all my actions aligned with my values. I never felt pressured by the other people at the party to entertain. I was consciously choosing to do it because I knew it’d be fun, and we’d all enjoy some laughs.

When I walked into the office the next day, I felt no embarrassment, I had no regrets. I was my usual confident, happy go lucky self, and my coworkers knew that we had just shared a fun night together. I was a willing participant, and co-creator, of the fun, not a sucker.

All too often, people make decisions that go against their values, sometimes because of alcohol or other drugs, sometimes because of peer pressure. I can completely understand this. Alcohol has a numbing effect on mind and body. It often frees people of their logical inhibitions, allowing their baser instincts to take over.

It allows people to check out and run on autopilot.

I know this, because in college, like many other young wastrels, I let myself, in that state, surrender to temptation, craving, and aversion, instead of doing what was best for me and for others, and I’d feel horrible about it the next day. I allowed myself to be triggered, and to react to those triggers instead of pausing to think about the consequences.

Which brings us to the topic of this week’s post: integrity. To me, integrity means acting in a way that aligns with my core values. As long as I am doing what I think is right, I have no regrets.

This has two requirements:

1. Knowing my core values
2. Consciously checking in with them when I make decisions

I satisfied the first requirement over time (and I’m still developing it). I didn’t just sit down one day and decide what I valued the most. I learned through experience and actually having to make some tough choices. Your history of choices will reveal your de facto values. I audited myself to see if choices I made in the past lined up with what I really wanted. For the most part, this is true. Now I can honestly say the clothes I wear, the way I arrange my room, the food I eat, are all in line with my values. I also allow for the possibility that my values and priorities may change over time, (though some I feel are really non-negotiable).

As for the second requirement, there is really no secret sauce to make it work. It’s just an ongoing practice, and I’m getting better and better at it. Things that have helped me: writing my morning pages, doing meditation and other body work, and purposely practicing this on the small, easy choices, so that I’d be prepared when tougher decisions came up.

And so, dear reader, I ask you: have you ever done something you regret? Have you ever acted in ways that went against your core values? I certainly have! For the next week, I want you to try something. Whenever you make a decision, no matter how minor, simply practice telling yourself, “I am choosing to do ___.” Do not allow yourself to hide behind your autopilot responses. At the same time, don’t beat yourself up when you are consciously choosing to go against something you value, just notice it. You may be surprised at the results.

I chose to sit in traffic.

About six months ago, I was at another party, where I was also feeling pretty buzzed but still totally present in the moment. I was cuddling with this beautiful blonde woman, and we were just genuinely enjoying each other’s bodies and company. In between kisses, we talked. I told her what I liked most about her, she told me what she liked most about me. I shared with her things I noticed about her and she was a little surprised that I was paying attention. We chatted about the relationships we had; she asked me if most my girlfriends were Asian (she was not). We smiled and giggled about how we were feeling right then and there.

It was great, and I felt a deeply authentic connection. She asked me if I lived close by. I took this as a sign that she wanted me to take her home, so I told her I’d call a cab. When I told her we’d get in the cab together, she thought about it and declined. I was a bit surprised, and I told her that I felt disappointed, but I wasn’t attached to the idea, so I enjoyed cuddling with her for a few more minutes and said good night.

Not once did I lie to her to flatter her, or try to trick her into coming home with me. And while it was true I wanted to have sex with her that night, I never let that desire become a craving. I was never attached to that outcome, so when she refused, I was solid enough in myself to let it go. I also felt solid enough to tell her that I was disappointed, and I could tell she respected my honesty. I didn’t feel bad for going for what I wanted, and I didn’t take it as a judgment on me or feel sorry when I didn’t get it.

Live unapologetically. Live in integrity.

Let me know how it goes.

I came home from a long day of work and school and plopped down into my computer chair. My email ticker scrolled across the upper right corner of the screen, and I noticed that I had one new message. It was from my roommate.

Hey Keenahn,

We were wondering when finals end for you?

We are inquiring because our lease is up and we have a friend that wants to move in, and we’d like to resign with him.

However, we don’t want to stress you out during finals or anything, and we want to make sure you would have enough time to make arrangements.

We’re happy to give you more than 30 days, so that you can have a smooth transition and the ability to find a different place down here if you need to.

He wants to move in around May 15, is that enough time?

Sincerely, The Roommates

Like a punch in the guts, a feeling of sadness hit me. “This is about me not cleaning the dishes, isn’t it?” I thought to myself. Or “this is because I didn’t fully take care of the bug problem, huh?”

I mean, shit. I bought two kinds of roach traps, what else was I supposed to do?!

I sulked for a few minutes, feeling like a shitty roommate, and that this is what I deserved.

I read the email again.

“we have a friend…” and “we don’t want to stress…” and “We’re happy to give you more than 30 days…” My roommates were actually being quite accommodating. And, it’s entirely possible that they did have a friend. I had only known them for about 6 months.

This was totally understandable and most likely not about me at all.

So now that I was no longer taking it as a judgment on me, now what? “Crap.” I thought to myself “I’m going to have to find a new place to live.”

An awesome computer graveyard I found.

It gnawed at me subconsciously for a week, “Would I be homeless?” I thought to myself, and “How am I going to tell my parents?”

Since moving out of my parents’ house about five years ago, I have lived in eight different apartments and houses. I was no stranger to finding housing and making arrangements to move. This was no different.

And so, I got to work. I created a form email and blasted responses to every craigslist housing ad that remotely sounded livable. In one night, I sent out over thirty emails.

The next day, calls and emails started trickling in. I set appointments, printed my map, and got to drivin’.

I looked at five apartments, each of which had one thing I didn’t like about it. The sixth was no exception. It was perfect, except for the price. If I decided to sign the lease for it, it’d be the most I’ve ever paid for rent in my short life. Other than that, it was awesome. The location was amazing, my room was nice and big, and I had a living room and balcony that just screamed party.

And so, I pulled the trigger and signed, telling myself I’d figure out how best to pay for it later. I was in no danger of being homeless or missing rent, but I had to get a little creative with some tight budgeting regarding my “baller” lifestyle.

I rented the truck, got a little help from my friends, and moved in. I’m very happy with it, the happiest I’ve ever been with a domicile.

Some nice houses in the Haight, San Francisco.

This experience reinforced for me a belief I hold dear to my heart: Opportunities are everywhere. And as a corollary: where opportunities do not exist, we can create them.

Even as I write about the experience, I’m drawn very strongly to frame it as a positive thing. I originally wrote “this was an opportunity for me to practice seeing things as opportunities,” but I struck that line, thinking that I use the word “opportunity” too much.

It could have gone down very differently. If this happened to me a few years ago, I might have done any of the following:

1. Panicked, taken the fetal position, and called my parents for help
2. Gotten sad, sulked, then went to step 1
3. Gotten sad, and then begrudgingly and painfully looked for new lodgings
4. Pretended everything was OK, did nothing, and then found myself faced with a very abrupt reality check

None of those options sound as much fun as what I actually did, which was to view this as a great chance for me to upgrade my living space. When I opened up craigslist, I was actually excited.

The universe was my catalog.

But you’re probably asking yourself, dear reader, how can I get this way? How can I prevent myself from falling into one of the traps outlined above?

Initially, it took me a metric fuckton of conscious effort to go against my default behaviors, learned after years of reinforcement, to be negative and judgmental.

Negative thoughts only have as much power as you give them, and we give them the most power when we’re unaware of them. By ignoring them or denying them, they just grow and continue to run the show subconsciously.

And so, over the past couple years, I realized that, hey, I have a lot of negative thoughts, and they aren’t that fun. So I decided I would try to catch myself. And I did. A lot.

I’d find myself hating my current situation, or wishing that things were somehow different, all the while not embracing the state of the world as it was. When I noticed myself going in of these downward spirals, I acknowledged that I was doing it, then consciously chose to stop.

I want to be absolutely clear on the last part, because it is easy to misunderstand. When I was unaware of my negative thoughts, I let them affect me subconsciously. Every one of my conscious actions was framed and colored by this negativity. Once I became aware of these thoughts, I was able to stop them. Also, let me be clear that these thoughts are not necessarily bad. I’m not saying, pretend to be happy all the time. No. Sadness, anger, guilt, shame, these are all part of the diverse palette of human emotions. In fact, it is when we deny ourselves from feeling these emotions that they really grab the reins.

When I would stop myself from getting stuck in a loop of negativity, positivity naturally flowed forth. I started seeing positive aspects of every situation. I started seeing challenges as opportunities for growth, and my life has greatly improved because of it.

And so, dear reader, I ask you, do you ever find yourself in a feedback loop of negativity? Do you ever find yourself unhappy with the state of the world, but not really doing anything about it? For the next week, just pay attention and try to catch yourself when these thoughts come up. Think about how you can turn whatever you’re unhappy about into an opportunity.

The Starbucks on 19th Avenue and Irving, San Francisco

A few days after moving in, I locked myself out of my apartment. I had no cell phone, no car keys. I had left the house with just my skateboard, my moleskine, a pen, and my money clip. I said to myself “Awesome!” (people who hang out with me know that I do this a lot), and started skating around the neighborhood. I wasn’t going to let a little thing like leaving my keys on my desk ruin my day. I saw this as a chance to explore! I ended up at happy hour at this really cool sushi restaurant across the street. I sat at the bar, chatted with some people, had some edamame, some sake, and a lot of decent (and cheap) sushi, and left feeling completely satisfied.

I skated back to my apartment and noticed that my roommate still wasn’t home. “Excellente!” I said, as I skated towards my local coffee shop. I tried a piece of cake I hadn’t tried before, got some coffee, and started writing in my moleskine. I listened in on a writing group that happened to be meeting there at the table next to me, and got a really cool idea for a group writing project with my friend.

All of these discoveries were made possible by forgetting my keys.

Hope you found that useful. I had fun writing it. As always, leave me some comments, and let me know if this impacted you!

See you next week.